Things I Can Cook Now

-Fucking quiche.
-Chai tea latte with sooooyyyyyyy
-Various chicken and rice or chicken and pasta dishes
-Grilled and baked fish
-Sttteeeeeaaaakkkkkkk (I've actually always been able to cook steak, but I've recently advanced to the more sophisticated method of searing then baking the steak as opposed to grilling it)
-Rice krispie treats, bitches
-Red velvet cake
-Ricotta pie (though sadly I cannot eat it)
-Cookies n shit
-Casseroles
-Vegetable stir fry (with oodles of soy sau)
-Pancakes and biscuits
-Creme brulee
-French toast, waffles
-Muffins!
-Deliiiiiiiiicious breakfast sandwiches

Look, I'll be honest, breakfast is my specialty. Probably because it's easy. Also because it's the best.

Business Trip

Though the past couple of days have been an exception, here is my normal routine. This should explain why I have nothing to post about ever:

8: Take pill pills, go for a walk
9: Breakfast: Quiche, fruit, chai tea lattttteeeeeee
9:30: I'm on my grind. Working from my home office (my bed)
1: Lunch time: Meat sandwich, veggie, fruit
1:30: I'm back on my grind. If I'm lucky, I get to skype with my lovely Anit.
4: Pill pills
5: Time to soak my asshole at the pool/hot tub.
6:30: Dinner: Meat, veggie, starch
7: Stare glassy eyed at television.
8: Pill pills
9: Wander around apartment. Make chai tea latte. Have fruit maybe
10: Practice personal hygiene.
11: Wander around the apartment. Waiting for Anita to wake up and talk to me
12: ANIT!!! And pill pills.
1:30: Sleep

Fascinating, I know.

ASHUNS.

Here is my ASHUNS story.

I was going to perform my daily soak in the hot tub at my apartment complex. When I got there, I spotted six ASHUNS, whom I later learned to be of the Chinese persuasion. There were three ASHUN male youths, their ASHUN parents, and their ASHUN grandmother. I laid down on a lounge chair and began to tan. After a while, I noticed that, though no one had entered or left the pool area, the ASHUNS had begun to multiply. More and more little ASHUN heads kept popping out of the water, until they maxed out at thirteen ASHUNS. I still don't know how they did it.

Anyway, I finished my tanning and got into the hot tub with the three ASHUN male youths and their ASHUN grandmother. The grandmother was wearing a striped sweater-material short sleeved shirt in the hot tub. She got up to leave the hot tub and said to her grandchildren, in English, "This my new swimsuit. You like it?" (to be read with an Asian accent). She got out of the hot tub and was wearing something that looks like this: http://www.google.com/imgres?q=lace+under+shorts&hl=en&gbv=2&biw=1112&bih=693&tbm=isch&tbnid=0fGvL2Gxt9apuM:&imgrefurl=http://happycait.blog.com/2011/04/06/super-deal/&docid=UEfvqq5zrDa8qM&w=312&h=387&ei=LUoqToKQOYfh0QHI8o3RCg&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=530&page=6&tbnh=174&tbnw=140&start=86&ndsp=15&ved=1t:429,r:3,s:86&tx=84&ty=37.

I. Saw. Everything. And her grandchildren were eye level with all of it. They didn't flinch though, very composed.

One of My New Song Mash-ups

I've given you all some great song mash-ups before. This one's a little different, not quite up to my usual standards, but the beauty in this was how naturally it came to me. What can I say, I'm a professional.

In the course of an email about abscess drainage, I wrote to one of my doctors, "How many setons can one butthole hold?"

And Casey might be able to see where I'm going with this, but as I was writing it, in my head I set it to the tune of the Little Mermaid song "Part of That World":

Look at this trove,
Treasures untold,
How many wonders can one cavern hold? (How many setons can one butthole hold?)

I'll give you a second to recover from my genius.

You're welcome.

Plus Prednisone, Minus IR Morphine

Before the side effects set in and I bite someone's head off, I'll give you fair warning: I'm starting prednisone tomorrow which apparently will do the following to me:

-make me vomit
-bless me with wild, uncontrollable mood swings
-send me into spiraling depression
-make me dizzy and nauseas
-make me sprout pimples and get fatter

I've also gone off my instant release morphine, which has caused the following withdrawal symptoms:

-fevers and chills
-nausea
-restlessness
-pain pain pain pain pain
-general irritability

My presence grows more desirable and enjoyable every day, I know.

PS. I had my fifth Remicade infusion today. Aside from being on the verge of a nervous breakdown because I was terrified that I am going to blow another fistula and need another surgery (as has been the case after every single one of my other infusions), I also had the pleasure of being in the oncology infusion center where cancer patients receive chemotherapy. There were eight of us in the room and I was far and away the healthiest-looking one. It shook me up pretty badly and made me feel awful for them: not the best environment in which to try to generate positive healing thoughts for one's asshole.

When Can I Start Eating Hard Cheeses Again, Doctor?

Never. You're lactose intolerant.

That's right my friends, I was tested today. Crohn's has taken my salads, fruits, and veggies, and now it's taken my hard cheeses.

I haven't felt this emotionally distressed since the Crohn's diagnosis itself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJxMK0RED8M

A Thousand Splendid Suns

I liked it. It was no groundbreaking masterpiece, but it helped ease me back into the reading scene.